Alright, let's get this straight. Tottenham beat Copenhagen 4-0 in the Champions League. xG of 3.31 to 0.33. Yawn. But buried in that scoreline is something genuinely unsettling. Micky van de Ven scored a goal so good, so wrong, it's got me questioning the very fabric of reality.
First off, shoutout to Copenhagen's Keeper McMustache (yes, I'm sticking with that). That guy had a day. Mistakes on the first two goals, then just completely folded when they went down a man. You could practically see his soul leaving his body after Palhinha scored. It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck, but with more mustache wax.
Honestly, I almost felt bad for him. Almost.
But let's not pretend Keeper McMustache's misery was the whole story. Copenhagen's tactics were baffling. They just...didn't press. At all. Spurs had all the time in the world on the ball. It's like they were actively trying to lose. I propose more teams adopt this strategy against Tottenham. For the chaos, if nothing else.
Udogie and Odobert linking up on the left? Fine, good for them. Wilson getting a goal? Sure, whatever. Kolo Muani missing a hat trick? Par for the course, honestly. That guy could trip over a soccer ball in an empty stadium. Still, he was getting chances, so I guess that's progress? Johnson's red card was soft. VAR is ruining the beautiful game, one frame at a time.
But then there's Micky van de Ven. That goal.
Seriously, Son Heung-Min won the Puskas award for doing the exact same thing. Except Sonny's a forward! Van de Ven is a central defender! Defenders aren't supposed to score goals like that. It's an affront to everything I thought I knew about soccer. It's like finding out your grandma can bench press a small car. It just doesn't compute. As one source put it, Spurs earned an "emphatic Champions League win behind Micky van de Ven worldy" Tottenham 4-0 Copenhagen: ten man Spurs earn emphatic Champions League win behind Micky van de Ven worldy.
Some goals should count for two. This is one of them. It's not fair otherwise.
And then you start thinking about the future... Van de Ven and Vuskovic as a central defensive pairing? It's too much. The world isn't ready. My brain isn't ready. I need a drink.
Richarlison missing a penalty and two headers? Of course he did. Someone put a hex on that guy, I swear. He could find a four-leaf clover in a haystack and still manage to get stung by a bee.
